Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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