You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
