god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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