I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
