he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
