can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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