if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
