you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
ok first of all what the fuck
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