I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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