Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
