It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
