i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
