Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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