question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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