I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize