I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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