it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
