I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
