i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
should my penis look like a turkey
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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