FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
