guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
