I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Randomize
