As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
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