my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
