I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
