We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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