You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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