OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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