i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
