that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
