did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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