my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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