My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
