this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize