I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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