I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
