I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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