Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
im holly from the hills drunk
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
