I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize