true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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