Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
