Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
