he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
