Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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