I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
