Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize