I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
