I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize