Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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