I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
ok first of all what the fuck
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
