I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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