whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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