Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
