put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
