Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
