Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
