John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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