____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize