I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
