Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
