i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
