I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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