pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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