I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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