There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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