so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
