If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
