I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
