Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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