forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
