So drunk its hurt
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
