He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
